i do not remember being born. i remember the colour yellow the smell of must, a sombre drab yellow like a mouldy curtain like false light like fuzz. something and then something a birthday party thrown in with 1 candle and in between all that there was a lot of television.
ballet shoes fat cheeks ernie and bert a pink barbie doona facing the wall being quiet reaching the cupboards a persian cat. panadol crushed up with honey on a spoon, sleeping on the floor with a fever

my father my real father my blood with red hair sitting on the pink leather chair gave me a watch.
he didnt feel like my father i didnt want to hug him cos i didnt know him.
his crumpled red face. shaking hands, old sad eyes.

fraser island . the best days of my life.
road trips. my brothers being funny pretending to make documentaries with microphones singing songs we've hit the beach now and then into the open being hit with the dazzling blue blue blue and yellow and you are so sure that life is going to be wonderful. sand bumps, hitting the roof with your head saying weeeee.
yidney rocks the bypass the look out seat nanna's worming bags hanging up full of fish heads made from fruit bags. the fridge running on blue kerosene, making jelly by the window, copper taps, the taste of the water, lighting a fire to heat it up washing your clothes in the bath scaling fish eating coconuts. the smell of mum cooking pippies in red wine.
bunk beds trixie belden books readers digest
the path down to the ocean full of overgrown vines, damp mud, getting buckets of fresh sea water for the pippies, running so fast because i was afraid of snakes.

its amazing how memories trigger off every sense.

stuff i made

when i can, i am

stayed up really late last night with sunny cos she had to catch a bus to roma this morning and she wanted to be able to sleep on it cos it would be boring. went up to the cemetary, on the way back found some old wood drawers from curbside collect to use for displaying my journals. becky hung with us as well at first i thought she hated me but i realize now its just her. she is able to keep her face straight all the time and always has this cool distant look. but she doesnt mean it. i realize you can read someones heart by their face.

we get home and the boys are trying on each others tight jeans and steve is sewing on the floor. he dresses very punk yet wears boating shoes. i comment on this and he says "they ARE boating shoes" i said "your not a sailor" he firmly corrected me, giving me a business card with his parents sailboat on it. then he showed us his batman costume he had got from a homeless shelter he worked at. i bought the tights off him for 5$ becos i really loved them and i had 5$ in my pocket. they are black with yellow tassels on the knees. not sure where i will wear them but whatever. watched some movies went to bed around 2. had anxiety because i had watched too many movies. made me feel crap and i wonder if its possible to put too much stuff in your brain maybe it will cause you to lose something important.

i had awful freaking dreams. which has been a regular occurance the last few weeks. the one from the night before was that i had to go to prison/mental ward for 3 months and i was really scared cos people kept trying to rape me and steal my stuff. nightmares man. i wake up and feel rotten until lunch time. the strongest coffee in the universe does not lift that crap man.

went to the airport with chris this morning to pick up his brother. i had nothing else to do and felt like going for a drive. didnt realize we had to go in the beast which is this big dirty cranking rattling truck that i never feel safe in and chris driving scares me to. i wished i had not of gone but it was still good listening to their conversation and observing their relationship. chris brother is a coffee roaster in new zealand and hes obsessed with coffee. thats all he talked about the whole way. how he had bought a barrista machine and made money at a housewarming party selling cups of coffee. he has bought 3.5 kgs of coffee. huh! its awesome

spent the rest of the morning making stuff on gimp. i am in the new office now so its fun to be alone in the air con with justin at his desk playing electric guitar with the head phones on.

yesterday i farted and when someone came in i blamed justin cos he couldnt hear me.

ah ha ha justin

justins hilarious. i love stealing his facebook photos and playing around with them. (the zine will be full of justin) he's just random and not self aware. the best people in the world are those who are not self aware...

its been a while

i havent posted anything in ages which is bad i know, i gave my camera away (stupid, stupid) so now i cant take photos and man there is so much i want to put up here. some new street art/scrawling i did, some new painings and books i have made and other random findings. that was seriously the dumbest thing i have done this year. do not give away your camera!

lately i have been working on the zine and surfing the net and watching stuff on you tube and reading shogun. its a book about pirates and samarais and old school feudal wars japan portugal priests and daimyos and taikos..really interesting stuff. for samarais it was an honour for them to commit seppuku (suicide) and if they were badly hurt in battle or if they let down their leader or failed a task they would do that. but they would first have to ask permission from their daimyo. and they'd do it over nothing man. they are always like; "permission to commit seppuku?" and the daimyo would be like "no". crazy stuff man. i love it.

christmas was great. best weather we have had in 8 years. in that there was no sun but we werent stewing in our own sweat. my mums sort of settling down heaps more now and getting even more the home maker so the house is stunning. it out in the country where the air is cleaner and there is more space. so its nice. pancake champagne breakfast. mangoes. good presents. an art book from my sister of the 20th century artists.

hope to be back at the markets soon, dont have a great deal of books but they are getting better and better. have started making earrings out of old records. managed to save myself a pair before they all sold. i ripped myself off cos they were worth so much more but all my friends are broke and its important to me that they are stylin...lol
will post pics soon, pray i get a new camera huh?